Listening best... when there's nothing said at all.

If there is anyone I am uncomfortable with, it is a person who likes leaving things unsaid. From a (fortunate?) series of events, I had the serendipity to finally realize why they do that - to avoid making a difficult decision, to leave room for future discussion, to enjoy a few more moments of peace, to wait for the answers that have yet come to mind, or simply to allow space for mystery, imagination and interpretation.

In one of our recent heated discussions, KT voiced loudly his frustrations at how I challenge his decisions and actions with "why". I then realized the question "why" has been such a common question I use, that it just comes as natural and as reasonable as rain or sun. "why" WAS my way of understanding the thought process of the other party, not "when" - for it is only a matter of time, not "what" - for that is the simplest to know, but "why" - my mind's been trained to use this key to open the mind of the other party, so that I not only understand the reason this time, but also learn to infer, imply and more confidently predict future behavior. If asked what my strength is, it is this - I have confidence in my ability to lead people once I've had enough time to spend with them to know what makes them tick.

But I used and caps the word "WAS" because that reason has since mutated. On the path to search for answers and understand the psychology of people, pride crept in. Unwittingly, I grew less respectful of one important right of every human being - individuality and personal space. I was failing to see that my measure of right and wrong, good and bad is not one that is or should be accepted by everyone. "why" has become my tool to condemn them, should they fail on my "ruler of right and wrong".

Just because I measure my own actions, behaviors and decisions in a certain way, doesn't mean others must follow my measurement standards. That there are indeed some who will not want to stand on this measure I lay out, who will not argue with me its correctness and acceptability, but will simply leave it (and me) in the cold - simply because they are not interested in this "correctness".

I then recall a phrase I learnt from a dear friend, that "being kind is more important than being right". What good is it, to ultimately know what's on a person's mind, but sacrifice the sincerity of the relationship?

More than one male friend have confessed their reluctant surrender to how "I manage to dig the answers out of (them) if it's something I'm bent on finding out". How do I do it? I think it's because I coax with logic - men relate to logic much better than women. Manipulative? I wouldn't think so, I do not use that information against them, if anything, it only serves to my private little piggybank of "mysteries solved". This method doesn't work as well on women, who follow their hearts, not logic. If the "nakedness" of exposing their thoughts to me makes them uncomfortable, they just shut me out, regardless whether what I ask makes sense or not.

Is this judging, condemning conviction-craved maniac who I want to be? No... not when it's been brought to such maniacal extremes, that I no longer listen with my heart, but only with my ears and my mind. That instead of seeking to understand, accept and love, I am not seeking to judge. When I decide arrogantly to ignore the "unspoken" answers that scream in my face, because "I will make them tell this to me with their lips".

Finally (thank GOD!) I admit defeat to my conscience and the still small voice, there is no use in forcing an answer and forever lose something so precious as a confidante, a friend, a soulmate. Respecting that things must take its time will reveal more about the person, that instant "why" answers will ever tell me. Patience in waiting, like for the proverbial metamorphosis of a cocoon so that one can behold the intricate beauty of a creature like the butterfly. Instant gratification does nothing, but satisfy and breeds more pride and hunger for knowledge in the head, but wilting of the soul.

Who can understand the almost wrenching feeling of loss when I began to realize the relations between this growing craving for knowledge has corresponded with the diminishing of my faith in fairytales, in miracles, in the value of romances that end in tragedy, to believe God can make all things right again, despite the mess we created for our own lives, to truthfully believe that friends remain special, no matter who they date or marry?

I am not sure if I can regain this faith, to correct the short-sightedness of my soul and spirit - because I want to, God-willing. Or is this simply something inescapable - a natural phase of growing older, growing up, eyes that saw that little light gets blinded as the darkness seems to be growing, even like it's here to stay and triumph, and my only hope if at all is only in the afterlife?

If it must happen, I am going to keep postponing it, by renewing my innocence, my child-like faith, as long as I can, according to His will. God is teaching me a lesson now, I know, to soften my heart. The tears I have cried in the past few months have not softened it, but hardened it - it's the wrong kind of tears, for the wrong reasons, but definitely the wrong reaction, when I should not do anything but to pray for them, rejoice with them and leave them in the hands of God - for even my own life is in His hands - who am I to weep for any love but His?